Caylen’s India Journal

God i think, im pretty sure, has been teaching me by using this country how very very very important honesty, and trust are.

I mean ive always said that the most important thing in a relationship to me is trust and honesty,  but i dont think one realizes it until one is placed in an environment where integrity and trust are relative to the user. I so long for the days when i naively and without restraints just trusted in people and thought the best. Now it seems like i wait for something, wait for the lie, and i dont feel surprised anymore when i find ive been walking beside dishonesty. And as i sit here in this tiny noisey little internet cafe, i wonder if ive become old a bitter and cynical in my 22 years.

Its just so hard when placed in a society that houses those exact feelings. But i know where to escape from all that at teh end of the day, i know who has the answer and the solution to all that junk, and hes just standing there waiting, its just a matter of….well i cant even say getting to Him, cause if i called i know He would come to me its just…a matter of wanting bad enough to be free of that junk….admiting i cant shake it off myself….Hes just waiting.

I was talking to a friend the other day…actually quite a number of weeks ago, and i was telling him that i was going to learn a new instrument and he asked me how i was going to go about doing that since i wasnt going to be able to have a teacher and he said to me good look with that….thats an extremely hard instrument to learn and ive been thinking about that since.

Exactly where does difficult or hard come from? Ive heard so many times the statements “oh i dunno caylen, its really hard”or “i cant do it its to hard”. It puzzles me though to hear that, because everything, almost, all but one, ive been able to do or or been able to achieve.

With everything that happened with Grace, the few people that ive told have mostly said ” Man Caylen, that most have been really hard”. But hard didnt enter my mind at the time, it was something i had to do and i did it. And the same goes for most things that ive done, if there was something i wanted, or wanted to do, i just did it.

I think difficult or hard is really just a higher level of application. I think what people really mean when they say that is that, whatever it is facing the individual actually requires more effort then normally would be required. So then in the end is it really that we are becoming lazier and lazier? If something is to hard then forget it….i dont have the time…

But i know there are different levels of determination in everyone, and not everyone is willing to put in the effort into things that others will….this has just been stewing in my mind since my friend said that it would be really difficult..So i asked myself “what is difficult anyways?”

anyways i hope thats something to chew on

I was in a westernized cafe yesterday, in the AC escaping the heat if kolcutta and some americans walked in and ordered cheese burgers, which made me chuckle a bit. I began to wonder if that was an example of a typical westerner. Is it so, that given the chance we will stick to what we know instead of broadening our experiences. Is it that we are so entrenched in what we know were fine with that. Or is it different. Is it reaching out for familiarity, and a sense of safety. And as i was siting in there i sarted wondering why i was really in there. There was alot of familiarity in there, and ive been longing for that but not to feel safe, i think cause ive been alone here for so long, but its like im stuck in both worlds. In india im seen as a foriegner and wont really ever ease in, in their minds anyways, and i really dont feel comfortable in the west, my mind seems to see alot of things differently, is like ive taken sides from both and joined them to one, So the whiteys here cant really figure me out, and the indians think they have, but really, i dont feel western.

Ive been longing for home for quie a while now,  not the west home, but the people who know me and love me, even with the stupid chjoices and misakes i make continually. If i had my family and friends here with me, id be set and id never have to leave or feel like i have to. Ist just hard when everyone sees you as an engrezi “english/brit”  or a foriegner,when, in my heart im not, yeah im a foriegner…but i dont feel like it.

Anyways train this evening with AC, a nice fast ride, 445 and i reach delhi tomorrow at 10 in the morning. Then i meet my wonderful NE family, from manipur and stay with them for a while.

I had a marvelous sleep last night in my room, even without AC it was pretty nice, i just cranked the two ceiling fans all night and conked out  in the middle of reading my book at about 9, then woke up at 4 to turn out the light and went back to sleep till 9am.

Anyways im out i have a taxi to negotiate with and a train to catch.

so im in Calcutta today, and im not sure if i spelt that right and i cant get to the spell check cause theres this annoying little publish box floating it and if branden was here or talking to me right now he could tel me how to fix this annoying small problem, but hes not so..ill have to just sound like a big dumb head with this post. Yes i suck at spelling.

So on thursday im off to Delhi. Now Hyderabad, i prayed and asked God if it was his will for me to go there to blow all the doors open and they called me back and said all the wells dried up… and there was no water and that it wasnt good for me to go, so im searching for another place to work as ive been informed if the work for me in the island is slowing down i should wrap it up and move on. So. I guess i have to do that so im moving on to delhi in a few days, thursday exactly, and then we’ll see what happens i might be coming home early. But there might be a chance for me to do a little work in Nepal? so im going to take a quick trip up there and see what there is to offer besides beauty, theres a small adventist church and an ADRA organization there so ill pop in and have a look. Other then that, not much has been going on, life on the island is still awesome tho i am ready to come home, to be honest i didnt really prepare for everything it is offering me right now, showers in the open with every watching, being woken up at 530 by the workers yelling at me, sleeping (literally) with mice and cockroaches on concrete, pooping in a bucket, moldy clothes,  mosquitoes that are relentless, prickly heat…but theres so much im going to miss there to…the people, the beautiful green rice patty fields. The smells.

Actually half of this never was finished and i went back before i posted it so as of now im back in calcutta waiting till tomorrow where i will go to delhi and stay with a few friends till i can work out a ticket to come home…so thats whats goin on with me…maybe pick up some work if i can find it..

ill Post again soon tho since im back to the civilized world…and im not to sure why they call it that…its more uncivilized if you ask me.

Much love and blessings..

So as of yesterday ive been reassigned to hyderabad by request. Im gunna miss this place so much its so beautiful here, the people are awesome and peaceful and the land its turning beautiful as the monsoon rains are coming back for another year and another round. My trip to the market just seems to get better everyday as the landscape is transforming from dried up cracking mud to rice patty fields filled with cranes white egrets and frogs. But there were a few things i couldnt get around here not the people the place anything like that, and nothing i can really get into detail with, so ill just say  my time for now at least is finished, all though i have every intention of coming back again.

So im off to Hyderabad next week to work at a school basically doing watever they want me to for a month. Which im totally excited about, i miss the kids. Just little kids in general. Adults are so lame. So im pretty excited about that, finally a new chapter, and ive been waiting for one for a while now, so that will be nice.

hmmm what has happened since my last post….i burnt my arm real nice on the chai pot now i have a gnarly scare…mmmi got invited to a pretty girls house for supper, her and her brother and her friend made rice and dal and made me eat mangos and bananas and lemon chutney and mango chutney…and oooh man it was so much food i wanted to yammy everywhere…and it was like 11 at night but it was awesome cause im making some good relations here and that was my main goal, yeah im here to help build a school  but relationships are so much more important especially when trying to do mission or evangelical work you need a foundation first, and the bible says that, that foundation should be christ, the the only way these people will get to know him is through us and to see him living through us.  So that was nice..not to mention i got to dine with beauty….:P which i would never pass up. lol.what else…oh the cyclone that hit was one of the worst the coast has ever seen and it wiped out our translators island completely theres not one house left standing he said and everyones clothing and personal things got swept away in the flooding…and ironically where i am is the only place that didnt feel the cyclone like the surrouding areas, Praise God.

Other then that not to much is new. Just continuing to make more relationships. The other day as i was biking to the market i made a muslim friend he just biked up to me and started talking to me in bangali then a little english and then we became friends, i think he liked my beard cause its big like a muslims. his name was…something with an s….ackmud…lol anyways he was rad. thats about it for now, please pray for the people here theres a cat five cyclone coming somewhere here along the coast….and im praying it doesnt hit here…but that just means it will hit somewhere else so i pray it doesnt hit at all. anyways i should go now,

much love and blessings.

So it was a cyclone. Twice.

And i was totally out in it the second time. The first time i was like there is no way on earth i am stepping foot outside, so by noon it was over and i went into town to get some food, and by town i mean small village, town was flooded, and the street was a river. so i trudged through it with my bike to my restraunt and watched things floating by, garbage,  straw, pens. Then someone said to me its coming back between 3 and 5 so i was thinking that means i need to be outa here by 1:30 at the latest well sure enough it hit at 1:30, so i was biking home agaisnt cyclone winds, which i might add is very tough, then my two young friends rode up on thier bike and the one who was doubling on one decided to double on mine, so i was biking in a cyclone while doubling someone.

Then when i got home the ladies and the little children were chopping up the trees that had just fallen over and getting them all into piles to take home…in the middle of a cyclone, so i helped. We got them all together i hauled some huge trees for them, got them all in nice piles then one man comes along and was like hey…score…trees for the hindu temple and yoinked the biggest nicest ones for the stinking temple…man was i mad. So i hauled all the rest of the wood to this one familes house (during the cyclone) and in my lungie…sarong then when we were all finished about an hour later after batlleing 70 kmh winds while dragging branches that wanted to fly away along with my body that wanted to join it, i found myself in their pathetic little shack in the middle of this cyclone. After some time and a few cocnuts i went back then chuck and i went for supper and came back (still in the middle of a cyclone)there the family was on our door step wanting shelter all 10 of them, so we let them crash for the night. Their house got flooded out along with half the village and surrounding islands. We got hit the least it seems whereas another island had 8 feet of flooding. So ive decided im going to get some tarp for their house cause the main room that everyone sleeps in is completely open to the elements, and they use some of the ladies old saris for a raid block…which doesnt do much for the babies.

i slept well that night, feels good to know you did something to make a difference and that it made someone happy..havnt felt like that for a while now..

good night all

its time for bed, im sick of picking beetles of my skin while i type. 

there are so few people in life that can always bring sunshine and always stay consistant.

Today i was really bumed out, see i made a really stupid choice, one of the ones where you can never go back and undo them, and they normally have huge reprocussions, and i cant even say it was a mistake and i was just thinking about that today, and how on earth ill find forgiveness in my heart for myself for being such a stupid head. I thought i was there but then the beast raises its head again and laughes at me. And i wonder about King David, he made a very very large, very stupid choice and how did he live with it after, im not sure that i really remember much about him after it, except that he was extreamly sorry and did the whole lamenting. But what about the years to follow. Thats why im so persistant in these entries about choices. We cant go back and have a do over. Choices are the building blocks to the futures we plan and im pretty sure that whether we like it or not once we’ve made a choice we’ve layed a brick. and we have to look at it the rest of our lives…….

Thankfully, Gods going to make new awesome houses for us, and they wont be made out of bricks. He wont just paint over our crappy choices but go through them with us, and take them apart and build them into something beautiful.

So what i was getting to with that whole friends thing was that, today i was having a really crappy..look at that ugly -choice you made - day and i read some lovely emails from an old friend, a real sweetheart whos always encouraging me always uplifting me always and has always put a smile on my face and has managed to to do that for 7 years even though i made some stupid choices and hurt this dear friend of mine, three times.

I really believe that God gives us tiny pictures of him in our lives…and i believe my friend is one of those.

Thanks Ducky.

so holy…im not sure what im in th middle of but its huge, the eucalyptus trees are buckling right in half and i was standing at the door front and the mind was literally knocking me back, and it kept smashing the metal double doors open so i had to lock them shut. Apparently according to the weather guys the monsoon season is here now, almost half a month early and that means that most of the building is going to be put to a halt so im going to have to find something new to do i think. Well see what happens ill call bob and see if i can be reasigned somewhere maybe. who knows what the deal will be

i was supposed to go to kalkuta today but the weather has stopped everything, i havnt even left the building so maybe tomorrow hopefully tomorrow at the latest cause im suppose to go to hyderabad…we’ll see i wont be going anywhere if this weather keeps up. anywyas im going to go for now,

love and blessings

so aparently im not writting what people want to hear…according to a good friend

so teejay this is for you.

i am eating well i suppose until we get a gas burning stove weve been eating at a small restraunt jointy deal. where they seve chowmein egg rolls and muri and puri and chole then at lunch i have rice dall and subjee  and thats my meals everyday with about…6 chai.

i am safe. and alive. i sleep on the ground with a mat and a bug net to keep the mosquitoes off…i really dont know what else people want to know..im not saying when im coming home, cause its a surprise…

my mental state of being is….insanity. im pretty sure im slowly going insane from all this  crazyness but im fine with it, its the life ive chosen…theres some song lyrics i love they kinda match whats going on with me right now they say

left with the mess that came about

 when you chose to live without

on forien shores you fight or die

 lifes thrown before your eyes

 and leaves its tole

on your calised empty sole.

now i wouldnt say my sole is empty…but i totally relate to that one verse…and i cant describe it, i think only people who have done or do what im doing can really understand that.

theres another line from another song…

ive been roaming around i was looking down and all i see is painted faces filled with places i cant reach

anyways thats enough for now.

blessings and love

its so hard right now to sit down, now that i have the chance and write another entry. seems like there isnt much in my heart. it feels like its been rung out of love and is just hanging out in the sun right now, dripping tiny drops..

so how about an update first. grace left her baby at the place she was with with him. And went to work at a orpanage in the south, and now shes leaving that place and taking her baby back and staying at another place that will let her have her and her baby together more freely, hopefully.

life here is kinda slow, there no electricity run out to where i am so everything runs of solar and generators. so its pretty primitive, the people dress like they did before the british came so this area is still hundreds of years old in tradation. Theres no cars, and i still havnt seen an airplane in weeks. There are about 4 possesed people here… Now i know some of you readers might say oh come on…possessed…give me a break, but theres something in a persons eye that once youve seen you can recognize it anywhere again theres something different about a crazy persons eyes and a possesed persons eyes, the crazy person still has life inside them. anywas so thats wierd, like theres this one demonic lady and she was walking down the street as usual but this time there were like 5 dogs following her barking at her, like some messed up scene from a movie….it was really bizaar.

been doing alot of work on the school campus here its a huge project and weve been pushed back about a month now cause the heavy rainfall ruined alot of our work so we have to start again in a few places.

The storms here are unreal, literally the bible talks about how the end of time will be and aparently the storm we had here the other night will be nothing…or will seem like nothing, kind of impossible to imagine never seen a storm like that before..mind you they were saying it was a cyclone..one that i was biking in. lol

i was coming home from the market and i was just praying God please help me get home, i really didnt want to stop in at anyones house so i gave her and holy that was the longest ride of my life just in one second it started pouring like somone was pouring a bathtub of water on me then the wind came and iw as like hmmm i wonder if im going to get sucked up in a tornado so i hunched over my handle bars and gave’r i was peddling soooo hard and leaning into the wind so far that if the wind would have let up for a bit i would have fallen right over. i was stickin to the tree line so that the trees would take most of the fury and not me on my rickety bike then i came to a part of the road where there was huge eucalyptus trees bending right in half and on the road were broken branches spewn all over so i was like oooh dear please god dont let a big one fall on my head, well obviously one didnt and im fine ..ish

oh and i sprained my ankle..but thats another story

sorry i havnt been able to post but im in the middle of knowwhere with no internet access…so my chances to email are next to none.

please continue to pray for me…i miss you all.

me